At Home

It is so clear to me now, why I have been feeling such an almost instinctual resistance to get into peoples business lately. Since I quieted my own this and thats, the cleared space was partly being filled up with others'. To turn this around and give everything to my inner process has made a great difference (to say the least).

This is really the purpose of my life, to walk the Way, listening deeper and deeper, never ceasing, just go on, developing deeper and deeper awareness, no matter what goes on around me, no matter what I am involved with (or not).

I see with such a clarity now that this moment is all there is, all that is important, the only guidance is required by plunging deeper into it, the only fear is to lose it. But even if I do, I shall know it is alright, because there is always a way Home, and it is very close and very direct.

For the purpose of giving all that I have to the Way, that which goes beyond the personal, that which does not tie me to concepts of being like this or like that, that which lets me identify with something that is beyond me, for the purpose of that, I am no longer involved with family and friends. I left them behind, gradually living more and more for the Universal, as I am step by step going in the direction of living a monasticlike life - hermit style.

I never knew how much joy this would bring me. I have sensed this joy before, though in a more unbalanced way. I feel this time so much more mature in my spiritual and religious aspects, so joyous about finding a fruit has ripened on this tree. I have, for sure, enjoyed the blossoming already. Now, I am eating a delicious fruit and just cannot cease to be in awe over it. There will eventually be a stone to plant, but now already, after the first bite, I just want to say, "I had enough, I will not lack anything now", and then hand it on to others.

This One Doing

Deeper insights touches me now, with gentle strokes, but clear, impersonal, yet so intimate and joyful.

I feel as if I am beginning to embrace what earlier was only something coming through in rare and precious moments.

And, as it had to be, I was attached to these moments.

Now, it is more like the sea, the waves rolling in over my limited ways, very stable, opening my mind to something I would never have believed possible.

It is true what they say, that enlightenment can be deepened and deepened forever. Even if I know this experience is the top of an iceberg, it is such a joy to experience it, and nothing is lacking.

I am att peace with this, there is no rush, everything is perfect, I know it now, deep in my bones.

I have been having doubts before, but with this "knowing" there is no doubt. I can go on forever like this. Life is experiencing moment upon moment and I throw myself into it.

It is so clear to me in this moment; I own nothing, there is just this one doing.

Everything around me, everything in my life, is pointing into one direction, walking the Way, straight and clear.

For the first time I can grasp what it means that noone else can do my work; there is noone else to do it than me, Universe in one moment of acting, and above all; there is no difference in different activities or situations and circumstances, everywhere and every moment is an opportunity to practice or to live the Way.

This fills me with such joy and relief!

There is a transition taking place from old ways to new ways. Yet the new ways have been with me for a long time, as I have been aware of the seeds put in the soil of my heart.

Something happened yesterday, when I realized these things, it turned my life around, yet it was so simple and subtle that I hardly noticed, only now when I reflect upon it, I can see what an essential change there was. And from now on it is just a flow in that direction, deepening and deepening.

I am so blessed with these circumstances and so grateful. I want to give thanks again and again. I am pouring my heart into the Way as a result and it is opening up to me in response.

I feel as if cherishing this love relationship with Dharma, yet my life goes on as before on the outside. Even to notice what changes take place inside of me I need to sit down and write like this, since I am not thinking much of it, it is just happening, in waves of continual change, moment upon moment.

Failing

One little hare and a tiny Jizo

silently giving their prayers

to the world

or whomever passing by.

No matter where you put them,

they are shining there

even from the bottom of the sea,

giving what they have

no matter who is there

to receive.

We do this all the time,

throw eachothers hearts away,

failing to recognize.

In my robe

In my robe,

finally,

fully.

Lighting candles,

burning incense,

chanting the sutras,

giving myself,

no expectations,

just sadness

and letting be,

living in these emotions

very silent

and they are partly lifted from me,

unexpectedly.

I give myself

and the Way is my relief.

Feeling so light -

even as my tears are raining down on earth;

could they only be of help to one little being;

calling for this only,

makes the whole difference.

Freedom

So I put in all the efforts I could mobilize.

I finally gave what I am truly able to give.

I made an effort to be who I am,

to be honest and clear.

Then, as she realized I am not who she thought I was,

that I did not live up to her expectations,

she said "This is not it".

And threw it away.

Oh yes, do I understand that she needed to do that!

She did no wrong.

Nor did I.

Out from the sadness that I feel

because of parting,

grows this new freedom,

I can be all that which I have longed for,

I am not being held back,

not holding myself back.

My true and innermost feelings show,

illuminated by grief and a grateful heart.

Unspeakable,

nonetheless;

what I live for

and will die for.

Within the Awareness

We need to listen carefully to the voice within leading us to that place where healing can occur. That is what is most important, not who is healing who or what. We need to bring our attentive awareness to the world, to our lives. That is where it all happens, within the awareness...

In a healing situation

Today I was sad, depressed, felt a vague anxiety in my stomach. Did not know where it came from, only that things started to move in me after what happened last night, that the situation cleared a lot in relation to one relative of mine, I got to say what was on my mind, finally, after such a long struggle inside about how to handle things.

I felt a bit empty after removing the burden. But since I still needed to let go I begun to feel depressed. All the anxiety and worries that has weighed heavy on me for such a long time, arose in my stomach. A subtle feeling though, just as it has been, related to the feeling of responsibility and inability to be of any true help.

After carrying this around all day I suddenly recognized its source. Then I watched it go away. I did not plan it. It just happened. It went away in that same moment that the insight about it dawned on me.

Maybe recognizing is what brings forth the healing many times... I have experienced this more than once.